Why God?

If I’m honest with myself the ‘but why God?’ question is in the back of my mind a fair bit lately. Particularly this last month as the head pain is relentless.

The internal dialogue usually goes from a “but why God?” to a “Don’t you care?”.
And of course I know he does, I mean he died for me. He suffered for me. But I need to preach this truth to myself over and over again.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ — by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:4–5)

I’m not as articulate as I once was so preaching to myself usually is:

Yes you are in pain, but He saved you Vee!!!!!! He cares, oh he cares so much for you.

When I cry out to him, God has been faithful. He has reminded me of himself, that he is my strength and refuge. It’s not an exact answer to the “but why God?” question, but this I know and the Bible tells me so -Jesus loves me and he is with me in the storm.

 

I’m thankful for many things that help me to change my “why God/don’t you care?”, into a “but God….”.

  • Sunday sermons that point me to Jesus & remind me that God hears us.
  • Testimonies of other Christians, both local & overseas, in this present time or in the past. People like Kristen Wetherell.
  • Listening to songs….. Lamentations 3:22-23 (as sung by Colin Buchanan) reminded me that I am not consumed (by head pain) for God’s compassion never fails, His love is new every morning! I’m also currently listening to “It’s so sweet to trust in Jesus” on repeat.

What are some things that remind you “but God….”?

 

 

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One Year

One year has passed since I first got my chronic migraines/headaches/whatever this pain is in my head 🤪

As I’ve pondered this past year & all that life has been for me, I have been encouraged by this quote by Samuel Rutherford,

“If your Lord calls you to suffering, do not be dismayed, for he will provide a deeper portion of Christ in your suffering.”

I am so thankful that I have witnessed this in my life. God has sustained me beyond compare. He has grown me spiritually. He has allowed me the privilege of telling my girls about him. He has provided encouragement through brothers & sisters in Christ.

The next few months are going to be filled with more health professionals to try work out why my body is seemingly falling a part at the seams 😝 And I look forward to resting in Jesus, when the pain envelops me & when I’m beyond exhausted and unsure if I have the energy to care for my girls, I am certain of my Saviour’s love for me.

It’s a fight not to despair though. I’m definitely thankful that I don’t have a sinister diagnosis – yet even still I do grieve that my body is failing.

I’m coping pretty well most of the time, but would really love prayer if you have the space. Please pray that when I am sad that I turn to Jesus, that I treasure Him & keep my eyes fixed on eternity. Pray that I fight against self pity & also pray that God gives me patience with my girls.

It certainly isn’t the hardest thing I’ve been through, but chronic pain and the possibility of another autoimmune disease still wears me down.

“But this I know, he heals the broken-hearted
and stays our sin and calms our lurking fear
and lifts the burden from the heavy laden;
for still the Saviour, Saviour of the world is here.”

He is here, he has risen and oh I can’t wait for that blessed day when he returns.

The washing line

What reminds you of eternity? What helps you remember how fleeting life is?

For me it’s hanging the washing on the line. I can’t quite pinpoint the reason. Maybe it’s because putting out the washing is so mundane or perhaps it’s because of the vastness of the sky above me.

As I hang up my daughter’s dress or my bath towel I look up at blue expanse above me and it reminds me of how small I am. It reminds me of Psalm 103:15-16; As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, And its place acknowledges it no longer.

When I was a kid I used to lay on the trampoline and watch the clouds float by. I don’t have that kind of time anymore, instead I have small moments of glancing up at the sky whilst I do a mundane task.

I often get swallowed up by the pain I experience almost daily or let my anxieties fill my every moment, but God reminds me of his sovereignty as I do the simple job of ensuring my family has clothes to wear.

Lately I’ve been singing a song that is very close to my heart. It’s a song that has gotten me through many a hard time. It speaks of being loved by Jesus. How incredible is it that Jesus loves us – pathetic, fleeting humans.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics:

Oh to be loved by Jesus
Oh to be loved by Him
Oh to have joy and peace within
Oh to be loved by Him

He knows the names of my sorrows
He knows the names of my fears
Why should I let them bother me
For I know he is near

Oh to be loved by Jesus
Oh to be loved by Him
Oh to have joy and peace within
Oh to be loved by Him

And if no other will love me
In this life I own
There’d be no love I would long for
I know I am His own

Oh to be loved by Jesus
Oh to be loved by Jesus
Oh to be loved by Jesus

Struggle Street

I’ve had quite severe head pain since Friday. The medication I’m on does seem to help as I have had a few weeks all up of being pain free, but once I get a headache it’s usually set in for at least a week, with no pain meds able to even touch it.

This means life has been pretty hard, I’ve been powering through for the sake of my girls, but it does make me sad & overwhelmed. It was Hannah’s bday on Tuesday and unfortunately I couldn’t take her to the beach as I vomited in the morning. Thankfully Josh came to the rescue and took the day off work! Very thankful for a willing husband and his flexible workplace.

Last night I went to a book club to discuss a book called “For the Joy”. It is a collection of stories about missionary mums. It’s filled with very raw accounts of hardships that 16 mums have faced whilst on the mission field and has been incredibly encouraging to me as I take care of my girls and seek to build friendships with non Christian women whilst suffering from chronic pain.

I cannot tell how silently he suffered

 “I cannot tell how silently He suffered,
As with His peace He graced this place of tears,
Or how His heart upon the Cross was broken,
  The crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, He heals the broken-hearted,
  And stays our sin, and calms our lurking fear,
And lifts the burden from the heavy laden,
  For yet the Savior, Savior of the world, is here.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. Tomorrow there will be tears. Tomorrow we are celebrating a sweet girl who is now in heaven with Jesus. She is with her precious Saviour & that makes me happy. My heart is broken for her parents, for her grandparents & for all those that knew her. The effects of sin on this world mean that it is broken, that children get tumors & live for only 2 years.

Her parents have described tomorrow as a celebration of her life and a reflection of the hope of heaven.

But oh how my heart aches! Come Lord Jesus!

I cannot tell why

I cannot tell why he, whom angels worship, should set his love upon the sons of men,

or why, as Shepherd, he should seek the wanderers, to bring them back, they know not how or when.

Why are we going this way mum? Why do we have a blue car? Why are they talking a different language?

It can seem like the questions of a 3 year old are endless…. though apparently it ends at some point?! 🤣 When the questions get a bit too much I usually chuckle & say “I love you Han.” and she will smile & reply, “I love you mum.”.

I’ve been asking a fair few questions lately, mostly with tears in my eyes. There has been a lot recently that has reminded me of how broken this world is, how much sin effects us & just how big a struggle life is. Not only because of my own pain, but that of others – a sweet toddler at our church passed away recently from a brain tumor, a friend confided in me about abuse she suffered as a child & just so much suffering in the world around me.

I think my questions aren’t always ‘why is this happening?’, but what do I do? Where do I park my heart when I feel weighed down from the knowledge & experience of the brokenness of this world. I don’t quite have an answer right now, but I’m doing lots of pondering.

Hello!

Hello friends & family 🙂 This is a place for me to process what God is teaching me. I hope it’s of great encouragement to my readers! If you have anything to add or have any questions please feel free to make use of the comment section or else msg me & we can organise a coffee date.

 

The name of the blog is a bit strange (it’s ‘I Cannot Tell’ if you didn’t notice). It’s the name of my favourite hymn. I’ll expand on that a bit over the next few posts, but for now I’ll end with it’s lyrics….

I cannot tell why he, whom angels worship,
should set his love upon the sons of men,
or why, as Shepherd, he should seek the wanderers,
to bring them back, they know not how or when.
But this I know, that he was born of Mary
when Bethl’em’s manger was his only home,
and that he lived at Nazareth and laboured,
and so the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is come.

I cannot tell how silently he suffered,
as with his peace he graced this place of tears,
or how his heart upon the cross was broken,
the crown of pain to three and thirty years.
But this I know, he heals the broken-hearted
and stays our sin and calms our lurking fear
and lifts the burden from the heavy laden;
for still the Saviour, Saviour of the world is here.

I cannot tell how he will win the nations,
how he will claim his earthly heritage,
how satisfy the needs and aspirations
of east and west, of sinner and of sage.
But this I know, all flesh shall see his glory,
and he shall reap the harvest he has sown,
and some glad day his sun will shine in splendour
when he the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is known.

I cannot tell how all the lands shall worship,
when at his bidding every storm is stilled,
or who can say how great the jubilation
when every heart with love and joy is filled.
But this I know, the skies will thrill with rapture,
and myriad myriad human voices sing,
and earth to heav’n, and heav’n to earth, will answer,
‘at last the Saviour, Saviour of the world, is King!’